


My Name

by Joseph_the_Jedi



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Neil Josten, mentions of abuse, trans!neil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:27:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21739837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joseph_the_Jedi/pseuds/Joseph_the_Jedi
Summary: Neil, a stealth trans guy, talks with Andrew on the roof following his return from Evermore. They play their game and it's Andrew's turn. He asks about Evermore. Andrew discovers Neil is trans.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 7
Kudos: 305





	My Name

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a headcanon. This takes place post-Evermore and before the famous "doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" scene.

Once Neil was able to wrestle the roof access door open, he found Andrew sitting on the edge of the roof like he had the last time Neil followed him up there to talk. Neil walked over and sat about a foot away from him. He watched as Andrew was busy shaking out a couple of cigarettes into the palm of his hand. He lit both and offered Neil one. Neil took it and cupped it in his hand as he watched the smoke tendrils dancing away from the burning tip.

The smell of smoke brought back images and sounds that were seared into his mind: his mother, the beach, the skin peeling away from the seat and the sticky blood. But not only that. Memories of Andrew crept into his mind, his fingers in his collar, the key pressed into his hand, the first time Andrew offered him a cigarette. Neil wondered when the smell of cigarette smoke started to remind him of the man beside him just as much as it reminded him of his mother.

“It’s my turn,” Andrew said, now looking out at the horizon, the sun starting to set.

Neil nodded, knowing what he meant, and waited for his question. As he waited he took note of the orange glow of the dying sun on Andrew’s face, how it illuminated his hazel irises, making them look the color of honey. Andrew took another drag.

“Did they touch you?” Andrew finally asked, his tone even. Neil didn’t even question why he asked that. Knowing now what Andrew had endured in his past, Neil knew why he had to ask. Especially after seeing Neil’s battered face. It was only a natural thought process to assume something more might have happened at the Nest.

“. . . No.” Neil said. “No, not like. . . that. They—” He cut himself off before he could say more. But when he turned his gaze back to Andrew, he found him staring, his eyes and his silence demanding an answer.

When Neil refused to go on, it was Andrew who finally broke the silence, not being able to hold out any longer, though he didn’t sound happy about it.

“What did they do to you, Neil?”

Neil almost flinched. Almost. He was still trying to unlearn the fear response that was beaten into him by Riko who wouldn’t allow him to answer to ‘Neil’ while he was at Evermore. A few of the Ravens had purposely called him by his chosen name once or twice just so he’d be punished once again after making the mistake of responding to it, which he did every single time. But that pain couldn’t compare to what he’d felt when his birth name was hurled at him. It was supposed to be dead. He thought he’d never have to hear that name ever again, not after assuming the identity of Neil Josten.

Even though the name ‘Neil’ nearly caused him to put his arms up in defense, a kind of relief filled him this time. A relief when he heard his name said by Andrew’s voice. He wanted that to be the end of it. Just his name. But he knew Andrew wouldn’t take his silence as an answer. Not now. Not when it came to something like this.

It took Neil a few moments before he could muster up enough strength to answer. He didn’t want to talk about all of the ways they verbally abused him. He didn’t want to go into detail about what cruel things they had said in regards to his body. So he simply gave Andrew the shortest, easiest response. “They wouldn’t call me by my name.” He said through the tightness in his throat.

“What did they call you?” Andrew asked, his tone flat and sounding uninterested, but Neil could see the look in his eyes. He was waiting again. He wanted to understand.

Neil’s voice came out hoarse when he was finally able to force it out. “. . . Natalie.” Hearing his birth name, the name he was given in honour of his father’s legacy, left a bitter taste in his mouth. He nearly grimaced just at the sound of it rolling off his tongue. He wished that was a part of his life he could simply erase like it was all just a bad dream. But Riko made sure to keep it alive.

Andrew’s eyes gained a new gleam to them, his look of disinterest turning into something else. Neil couldn’t decipher the expression and Andrew turned his gaze back to the horizon before Neil had the chance to.

They sat like that, in complete silence, for longer than Neil could bear but somehow he endured it and suppressed the instinct to flee. But he wanted to. He wanted so badly to run in that moment. But he stayed.

Andrew kept his unwavering gaze ahead all the while, his cigarette burning down to its butt and dying out without its owner to keep it alive. Neil watched his profile, waiting for any sort of comment. Any retort. Any anger. He knew Andrew was borderline misogynistic after what happened with Aaron’s mom. Would he now see Neil in a different light? Would he treat him differently? That was the outcome he dreaded the most. More than any ignorant or bigoted comments or slurs anyone could ever throw at him. He wanted Andrew to see him for who he was.

Finally, Andrew’s voice broke through the myriad of panicked thoughts rattling around in Neil’s head. “Are you a girl?” His eyes were still on the horizon and his tone was flat.

“No.” Neil said immediately. He said it with a sharpness he didn’t expect in that moment. It came out almost angrily. Too much emotion in that simple word.

Andrew didn’t seem to mind though. He stubbed out the butt of his cigarette and flicked it off the roof. He stared a few moments longer at the skyline before speaking again.

“Neil,” He said. “It’s your turn.”

Neil’s heart faltered at his name, though this time not from fear. There was weight to that single word. _Neil_. Andrew saw him. Andrew could always see him. “What?” Neil said, almost forgetting that Andrew had said anything besides his name.

Andrew didn’t repeat himself, knowing Neil had heard him.

Neil was more than thankful that Andrew was still looking away because he felt a small grateful smile creep up on him. But it wasn’t his father’s smile. It was his. It was _Neil Josten’s_ smile. He quickly schooled his expression before Andrew could notice.

“I’ll take it another time,” Neil said.

Andrew gave a one shouldered shrug as if to let Neil know he didn’t care. He stood and turned around, headed for the door. Neil stayed on the roof a little longer before he followed him downstairs.


End file.
